Happy Father's Day!

Dad, Alfonso,

We're two lucky duckies.

Love,
Heather and Spencer

Hold Fast, Mercy Me

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold Fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

These words are not my own, but speak the truth I need to cling to. This morning I caught just a brief part of the Dove awards, completely by accident. I've heard this song many times before...this time I was brought to tears.

I love this: "What I've learned in my life one thing greater than my strife is His Grasp".

Lord, please help those of us who feel so stuck and discouraged. May we be encouraged to know the strife this life brings is only temporary.

Mommy meltdown

Today was the first day I've shed sad tears in a long time. This wait is really getting to me. I was so hopeful a few days ago, but now I feel so hopeless. A mixed bag of emotions that's for sure.

One of my best buddies just happened to call this afternoon. Immediately she sensed I was "off". Boy, she knows me too well. The tears I'd been holding back started to flow. She asked if she could pray for me and thankfully she didn't wait for my answer. I just didn't want to say "yes", but knew I couldn't say "no". Have you too experienced this?

There's nothing like an honest prayer. I mean, God already knows what's heavy on your heart you might as well just speak the truth, eh? Certainly the truth was spoken today. All my emotions, even the really ugly ones, are again laid at His feet. I'm beyond blessed to have a group of friends who intercede on my behalf. Truly.

Another milestone

Today, Mia turns 11 months old. Of course this was a marker we hoped to reach along with her, but there's still reason to celebrate. I thank God for Mia's continued health and happiness. The last video we received was proof of that. It is beyond obvious...that little girl is loved to pieces! I can take comfort in that for sure.

The snow boots be goners!

Sometimes, Spencer digs through his closet and finds items he deems "treasure". These treasure hunts usually occur during his daily "quiet time". Let me tell you something, hunting for treasure is anything but quiet!

A few months ago Spencer found an old pair of black snow boots. He unveiled his finding and was so proud. I had to stifle my laughter when I realized the boots were on the wrong feet and two sizes too small. Apparently, there's a bit of extra space for those thick socks you're suppose to wear....in...the...snow. Given the choice, Spencer continued to wear the boots out and about. I was almost certain someone would feel most sorry for our poor son and leave a pair of sandals on our porch, but all we got was giggles.

Our mellow spring weather is no more. We've been experiencing full blown summer for the last week now and the snow boots needed to go. C'mon, who in world wants to wear (fake) fur lined boots in 100 degree weather? My son, that's who! That is until he got two nice big fat blisters on his little feet.

Aw, now we don't have to figure out how to lose 'em!

Happy Anniversary to us!

Eight years...pretty big deal if you ask me!

Stalking the poor mailman

Yeah, starting tomorrow, I'll be watching the mailbox like a hawk. Our Social Worker notified us on Friday that a new video of Mia is on it's way. We're very excited as the last video showed so much of her personality....well, as much as you can squeeze into a three minute tape anyway! We'll take it!

Why must we live so stinkin' far away from Michigan?!
____________________________________
Update:
We watched the video and once again we're left impressed with how much her personality is blossoming. The quality (both audio and visual) isn't so great, but we did manage to pick-up snippets here and there. Apparently, at 10-months Mia is taking a few steps on her own....where's my sad face emoticon?!

She's a total cutie!

Wading through my loss

Sure, I can only remember bits and pieces of the story, but the fact that I can even remember a moment of second grade should be surprising enough. Maybe you'll recognize the story and fill me in.

A class field trip is planned. This lucky group of kiddos were to embark on the trip of a lifetime: time travel. If I remember correctly, the gaggle of children went back to the time of the dinosaurs. You'd think there would have to be a whole manual of rules for a trip like this, but only one sticks out: Do not let your toesies leave the marked trail.

Rules were made to be broken, were they not? Of course, at least one of the children on the trip that day tested the boundaries and in the process a little bug was smashed. Seems innocent enough, right? Wrong. Upon their return to the present time, it was soon discovered that the English language as they knew it had completely been altered. A true domino effect.

I feel like this is a metaphor for my own life. I lost my mom in October of 1990. Her passing was unexpected and as death always is, tragic. A few days later, my maternal grandfather passed away. I lost two people so dear in one week. My path was forever changed and from that point on, I have have always viewed life as fragile.

It was a little over a year ago when I spoke to that monotone voice from the parole office. Between my sobs I could hear the tink-tink-tink of the keyboard recording my thoughts. Unlike the kids on that filed trip, I have no reference point. I don't know how things should have been...could have been. Its impossible to explain a loss I don't fully grasp myself. The only coherent words I could manage to squeeze out were, "My life will just never be the same". I'm not so sure that justice even exists. "Justice" will never make my life whole.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back at square one as I process my loss. At this point, I've lived more of my life without a mother, why should it still hurt so bad? Really, I know the answer. I wish she was here to experience life with me, together. But alas, I'm left wondering....wondering what kind of relationship we'd have, what kind of grandma she'd be, how she would view the choices of my life.

And at the end of all this wondering, I have my rock that is Christ. He's been strong enough to hold my hand even when it was on Him I placed the blame.

Home again, home again, jigged jig

We spent the last week in Illinois and Missouri with my uncle. It was so odd crossing the stateline as I would normally cross the street, but St. Louis, MO and Illinois certainly provided us with some wonderful sights. We braved the arch despite the dizzying height and cramped "elevator", toured the fabulous and free St. Louis Zoo, visited Grafton and Alton, IL where the rivers meet, and last but certainly not least, watched the Cardinals play (and win!) the Reds. Oh, and as any good vacation provides, we are now the proud owners of a skinner wallet and tighter pants! Alfonso was a little eager to get his trusty watch back on California time and pulled the pin with a little too much umph. He's since discovered his watch isn't so trusty and will remain on Central time until further notice.

After a long weather related lay over in Colorado, I'm so glad to plant my feet on California soil. Alright, so maybe it's really brown berber carpet, but its gonna have to do. I'm tired!

The girl's got a ponytail!

Gettin' the bows ready!

Proof the Ordinary is Indeed Eventful

Crying after a dentist appointment should have been proof enough. In my defense it wasn't just a routine check-up. No, no. I may very well be one tooth closer to dentures folks. Apparently, I cracked a tooth real good and it may be beyond repair. Note to self: teeth are not to be used as tools. Lesson learned, the hard way. So, back to the crying. It is a sad realization that all my flossin' and teeth scrubbin' hasn't paid off. Indeed, my human efforts came up short, thus, the tears. If the $2,000 crown and root canal prove to be of little help, then I'll have the culprit yanked and an implant in it's place. Great, I always wanted implants, er, an implant.

After the short cry fest, we ran into my obstetrician at the book store. I know our names have long been forgotten, but I'm sure she remembered our faces very well. Spencer know bits and pieces of his birth story and this evening he shared his very own rendition (beware: graphic toddler language follows):
S: "Mommy, when I was coming out of you, I bit her finger."
Me: "That's right! Do you remember what else happened?"
S: LAUGHS. "I peed on her!"

So, again, I'm in one of those reflective moods. Running into Dr. B just stirred it up some more. When I was facing six months of bedrest, I never believed I'd survive. Okay, I knew I would survive, but I had doubts I'd thrive. I gave myself the permission to really grieve the pregnancy I had envisioned and tried to accept the road I'd travel. Really, I had no choice, did I? We can't control what we must face, but we do have a choice in our attitude. Bitter or better? How one letter makes all the difference!

And just when you thought I'd had enough reflection for the day, there's more! Our SW forwarded Mia's latest medical update. The girl is up to 17 lbs. 8 oz. as of May 25th. Of course I found my mind now occupied with Mia and the distance between us. Honestly, sometimes it is so darn hard to look at another set of pictures or another medical update. Again, I think I've been operating in survivial mode for some time now. Thriving takes a lot of effort and heartache, don't you agree? God's been working on me. I know He wants me to move from surviving to thriving. He wants more than my obsession with our timeline. He wants my heart, not my head. Mia deserves the very same.

The dreaded nap

A lot of parents wonder when a child is ready to give up nap time for good. I dreaded the day our little guy would decide the extra sleep was unneccessary, but things have sure changed! Spencer took a small cat nap yesterday and was up past my bedtime. After a slice of bread and a few more stories, he tuckered out around 11:30. YIKES!

Yawn....

Missing my "old" job?!

So, a few mornings ago, my hubby informed me that I was yacking away in my sleep (again!). It is something I've done for a good portion of my life, but now I have a sleeping buddy to record all the fabulous phrases that slip from my lips. I'm sure it is scary to see a lady completely asleep, but with her eyes open. Apparently, he's not scared anymore because he usually keeps the conversation going until I eventually wake up (completely confused by the way). I guess I called him "Trixie". Now, let me explain...I worked with "Trixie" for six years at an insurance company, so no jokes please! From there, I grabbed Alfonso's chin and told "Trixie" that he, I mean she, better get to work. That's strange! Trixie, I know you read this blog, and I must apologize that I used my lowly CSR position to order you around! I'm not sure what ever came over me!

Or, am I? Lately, I've been having frequent work related dreams and it has been four years since my departure. I never thought I'd miss that little office, but I do. I love being a stay-at-home momma and I've never imagined going back to work for real "dough". I do miss something being mine and I wonder if my subconcious is just confirming this. I didn't play a big role, but I had my niche...my area of expertise. Ya know?

I'm craving it again...a little.

Recipe for a semi-disaster

One three year old + one hose gushing water + an open sliding glass door = one soaked mommy, one very sad kitchen table and best of all, a lesson learned! (oh, and maybe some giggles from the aforementioned toddler)

The waiting continues...

Well, today marks the end of week 6 and the beginning of week 7 of our second round in good ole PGN (insert extreme sarcasm). TYPICALLY (yes, all caps), the majority of cases are given a "yea" or "nay" in the 6-8 week window. I'm a bit on edge. As badly as I won't the phone to ring, I'm just as happy that it hasn't. Weird, huh? We don't have caller ID, so until further notice, just call me on my cell phone where I can just relax (or not) when the darn thing rings.

All silliness aside, could you please pray for us both? Although we trust that God is in control of this process whether we hear good news or that which we dread, we certainly have our moments of doubt.

Love you all!

Grasping at Straws

I made a friendly reminder call to our agency today. About a month ago, I made the same request. You see, I really want to meet Mia's Mama. It is rare in the world of Guatemalan adoptions, but it does happen. And I'm SO hoping this can come to fruition.

Although the circumstances surrounding the loss of my own mom at age eleven are very different from that of Mia's loss of her Mama, I do understand the pain. That hole. I know how hard I've tried to fill my own void, until I just plain gave up. No one...no one, will ever replace my mom. Why in the world would I think things would be different for Mia? I know there's a hole I will never fill and "shoes" that simply will never fit me. Despite my greatest attempts I know Mia will one day wonder, "What if...". Maybe you see this as doubt on my part...doubt about my mothering abilities. I assure you its not.

I realize a simple visit won't dissolve the distance that will be between Mia and her Mama. I do hope, given the opportunity, her Mama will be comforted in meeting us. I hope that one day, Mia will see her mommy cared enough to recognize her loss.

Starring Mia!

One sweet surprise arrived on our doorstep this morning...a new video of Mia! The video was taken the same day as our last batch of pictures (March 29th). And yes, indeed, the girl sure smiles...A LOT!

Mia's "Crib"

I thought I'd bombard you all with pictures of Mia's room, after all you did chose to visit-right? Are you shocked that it is pink? Well, me too. Pink drew me in with it's magnetic forces! I sure hope Mia comes home soon. I have a blank wall and I'm in the mood for decorating. Really, it wouldn't be a good thing! If you find me at Michael's, just shoo me home. I promise I won't hold it against you, and my dear husband just might thank you!

I love my boys!

Mia's Growing!

Our social worker sent us an email today with the stats from Mia's last appointment with the pediatrician on April 25th. She's definitely making some ground with her growth, but still a little peanut at 17lbs. at 9.5 months. The medical report also describes her as a "healthy child". Details....I want details folks!!