Wading through my loss

Sure, I can only remember bits and pieces of the story, but the fact that I can even remember a moment of second grade should be surprising enough. Maybe you'll recognize the story and fill me in.

A class field trip is planned. This lucky group of kiddos were to embark on the trip of a lifetime: time travel. If I remember correctly, the gaggle of children went back to the time of the dinosaurs. You'd think there would have to be a whole manual of rules for a trip like this, but only one sticks out: Do not let your toesies leave the marked trail.

Rules were made to be broken, were they not? Of course, at least one of the children on the trip that day tested the boundaries and in the process a little bug was smashed. Seems innocent enough, right? Wrong. Upon their return to the present time, it was soon discovered that the English language as they knew it had completely been altered. A true domino effect.

I feel like this is a metaphor for my own life. I lost my mom in October of 1990. Her passing was unexpected and as death always is, tragic. A few days later, my maternal grandfather passed away. I lost two people so dear in one week. My path was forever changed and from that point on, I have have always viewed life as fragile.

It was a little over a year ago when I spoke to that monotone voice from the parole office. Between my sobs I could hear the tink-tink-tink of the keyboard recording my thoughts. Unlike the kids on that filed trip, I have no reference point. I don't know how things should have been...could have been. Its impossible to explain a loss I don't fully grasp myself. The only coherent words I could manage to squeeze out were, "My life will just never be the same". I'm not so sure that justice even exists. "Justice" will never make my life whole.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back at square one as I process my loss. At this point, I've lived more of my life without a mother, why should it still hurt so bad? Really, I know the answer. I wish she was here to experience life with me, together. But alas, I'm left wondering....wondering what kind of relationship we'd have, what kind of grandma she'd be, how she would view the choices of my life.

And at the end of all this wondering, I have my rock that is Christ. He's been strong enough to hold my hand even when it was on Him I placed the blame.