I always imagined my reaction to "the call". I figured I'd cry tons, just as I did when we learned of Mia. I didn't. I thought I'd run like a woman gone mad finishing all those projects I'd put off. I haven't.

Relief. My heart was just too full to feel anything but.

A few months ago, I was sure struggling. I was participating in a church-wide study on World Changing Faith, but truthfully, it just wasn't sinking in. That's when my dear hubby pointed out a portion of scripture I'd completely missed:

"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him, and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up rebuked the wind and said, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:35-40

This was me: "Alrighty Lord, I SO get it now! You want my complete trust and faith. You said we're goin' to the other side and darn it, I believe you!"

But, just like that infamous reed, my faith and trust swayed: with each rumor of a possibly shutdown, with every passing day without news. I was left wondering, "Why, oh why, Lord must I continue to doubt you so?"

Today, a sermon was preached on Luke 1:5-25. The focus of the sermon was on Zechariah, as in John the Baptist's papa. Elizabeth, his wife, was barren and the two were childless. As Zechariah stood in the temple at the alter of incense, he prayed. An angel appeared before Zechariah. The angel delievered fabulous news; Elizabeth would indeed bear him a son! To Zechariah's credit, he was described as "upright in the sight of God", yet his first reaction was one of doubt: "How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years." Oops! Zechariah was silenced for Elizabeth's entire pregnancy.

I sure wish God put a sock in it, it being my big mouth o' doubt. Instead, He let me spout off my frustrations, in the end proving His mercies are indeed new every day. While I wish my initial reaction to "the news" wasn't relief, but thankfulness, it just wasn't. And you know, He loves me anyway!